1st April 2025
Fascinated by the thought of human composting, but don’t have the funds to pay for it?
Or maybe you have multiple relatives coming to the end of their time on earth, and you want a cheap and ecologically friendly way to dispose of them?
At Compost Magazine we have the solution with the Do It Yourself Home Human Composting Kit, the brainchild of Compost Magazine lead researcher Professor Silva de la Murdeuer.
How it works
Inserting the corpse
Shaped like a coffin, the Human Composting kit has four legs along its length and four at the base.
When your body is ready, connect the kit to a power source and slide out the base. At this stage, we strongly recommend putting bulking material such as sawdust along the base.
Place the (preferably deceased) body on the base, and cover it with more bulking material.
Now gently push the base in.
Dealing with sounds and screams
There is no speaker provided with the DIY Human Composting Kit, so you may wish to bring your own stereo along to play the dead person’s favorite songs.
When the body is in the composter, you may wish to stop for a minute to pay your respects. This is also a good time to turn the music up to the maximum.
At the far end of the DIY Human Composting Kit you will see two large buttons, one red and one black. Press the black button to begin the grinding process.
As you can imagine, grinding up flesh, blood and bone is quite a loud process, which is why we recommended turning the music up.
If by any chance you hear screams or other noises, indicating the body was no in fact deceased, you can optionally choose to press the red button to stop the process.
Gathering the compost material
The grinding will reduce the body parts to an optimal size for composting, and mix it up with the bulking material, providing the perfect C: N ratio for compost.
The system also cleverly collects blood and fluids and directs them to a catching container below the coffin composter.
The resulting mix makes an excellent fertilizer (we find it is especially good for producing superbly red tomatoes).
The composting process
Once the process is finished, you can stand the compost up on its base. The four legs here ensure the compost is kept off the ground and allow air to reach the air holes. The system is designed to maximize ventilation to allow efficient thermophilic composting.
We recommend leaving the body for several weeks before retrieving the compost. During this time, the size of body parts will reduce significantly.
You may want to add more organic waste – either from your kitchen garbage disposal unit or from your garden – through the hatch at the top.
Due to the rat-proof construction, the DIY Home Human Composting System can happily handle bones, fish, grease, and similar waste which cause problems in other bins.
The final result will be a superb soil amendment. This will be great for use on flower beds and with roses (so you can remember your loved ones when you enjoy the flowers).
It also helps grow big delicious vegetables. Indeed, some of our customers who were less fond of their dead relatives take a certain pleasure in eating the results.
Benefits
Re-usable: You can use the same device to compost your granny, grandpa and multiple aunts and uncles. And, of course, it will do you too when your time is up.
If you are likely to have multiple deaths in a short period of time, consider the DIY Deluxe Double Human Composter Kit, which can do two bodies for the price of three.
Cheap: Forget paying for expensive burial grounds – just throw granny on the veg patch when she has finished composting!
Great for veg: Enjoy superb vegetables every time someone dies.
Testimonials
Still not sure? Check out some of the testimonials from our still-living customers.
“After composting Uncle Jerry, our tomatoes have never been redder! Highly recommend.” — Linda G., Oregon
“I used to struggle with poor soil quality, but thanks to my in-laws, my garden is thriving! The DIY Human Composter turns awkward family dinners into something truly special.” — Mark T., Texas
“Grandma always loved roses, and now she is the roses! Beautiful blooms this year. Would give six stars if I could.” — Samantha P., Vermont
“I won’t lie, I was skeptical at first. But after using the Deluxe Double Human Composter on my late business partners, I can confidently say—best carrots I’ve ever had.” — Anonymous, Chicago
“Fast shipping, easy setup, and very quiet—well, mostly. Had a little hiccup with one of the bodies still moving, but the red button worked like a charm! Would buy again.” — Boris L., Florida
“My HOA had some concerns at first, but after a few strategic neighborhood BBQs, everyone agrees: the results are delicious!” — Tom H., California
Update: Temporarily unavailable
Due to an unanticipated high demand (strangely, much of this came from business people in big cities rather than the farms and smallholdings we expected), we are temporarily out of stock.
We do also have to deal with some enquiries from the FBI, the CIA, MI5 and the WTF regarding the use of our DIY Home Human Composting Kit by said business people, and have to clear a few things up with a number of local, national and international hygiene, waste control, disease control and human rights organizations.
I am sure these mild teething issues will be soon sorted out and the DIY Home Human Composting Kit will be available for sale again soon.
Happy April Fools!